Ever since starting university in the UK, whenever I talk to friends from back home, or even relatives, the first thing they seem to be interested in is my love life, or rather, the lack of one. They always seem curious about the new guy that appeared in a photo with me on my facebook, or that guy who commented on my profile.
Everytime I reassure my anxious parents and concerned friends, they would in turn worriedly reassure me/tell me, "you know it's okay to have a foreign/Caucasian boyfriend right? We don't mind as long as you are happy."
I just sigh and nod my head (which they can't see) and reply that I do know that they are not concerned about the ethnicity of my imaginary boyfriend just as long as I get one.
And when they finally realize that I am not going to get myself one here in the UK, they start introducing/selling their male friends to me.
A couple of weeks ago, my second sister sent me a photo of her dragonboat teammate and asked me what do I think of him and if I was interested. I gently reminded her that I am more than a few thousand miles away from home with a time difference of at least 7 hours. It's not going to work out.
She then told her teammate that and told him that I would consider (which I did say I would).
But the truth is, I am currently at a stage in life where I am content with being alone, experiencing life alone (no matter how lonely or sad that sound, that is actually true most of the time). Not only that, no matter what ethnicity my boyfriend is, or where he is from, it's all going to be LDR in some form.
There is just too much to consider.
Example, if I find myself a boyfriend here in the UK, if he is from UK or Europe, or US, or anywhere else, when I finish my education like I eventually would and move back home, what is going to happen to us. It's going to be LDR and let's be honest. I wouldn't survive a LDR.
It's very difficult. I would give it a try and try as hard as I can, but I don't think I could survive it. Because to me, in a relationship, you don't just have to be effective communicators and be sharing to share about things. You have to compromise and be trusting of your partner. And things get harder and harder as you get closer and closer.
You can't hug, can't kiss, can't touch.
You eye the loving couples on the streets with envious eyes and wrap your arms around yourself and pretend that's your lover's arms. In that moment, you feel lonely, even though you have somebody. When things are hard and you wish to cry, your shoulder to lie on is many hours away and you have to just be strong for yourself.
And with distance and loneliness, you find temptations all around you. People who could give you what you want. It's hard to resist, but if you could resist them all, that's really admirable. Some people throw in the towel when things get hard and they miss the warmth of their lover's embrace, they wish to stop feeling alone.
It's like not having a lover, when you clearly do have one.
You can't be there in happiness, you can't be there in pain. You can't be there no matter what, because you're thousand of miles away.
I salute those who survive the pain of LDR, admire those with the courage to uproot their entire life, leave their family behind to pursue a future with their love. Not all LDR ends in heartbreak, but not many survive the turmoils and trials it brings.
A normal relationship is already so difficult to maintain, and when you add distance into the equation, it's a whole new level of challenge.
I don't think I am cut out for LDR. I won't cheat on my partner no matter what, but loneliness. It gnaws at your heart, it wears your patience thin, it breaks your resolve. And when you can't stand the loneliness anymore, you could only let go with crying eyes and blame your own weakness for letting it go.
They say that if your relationship survives the long distance, then it would last through the years. I believe that to be true. Because if you could get through it, there is nothing else that could step in your way.
No comments:
Post a Comment